the truth is, i try not to want it as much as i really truly do.

Being the control freak that I am, I’m now very good at deciding what to feel and when to feel.

The truth is I think about you a lot. Even though I might not show it. It’s just that I go through moments of my life while playing thoughts of you on rewind in the background.

You mean something, but I need to have a hold on the reality that is my life. I need to hold on to the things that keep me truly afloat.

I can’t explode into hysteria like I used to, for other guys. Because hysteria made me inadequate without them. Hysteria made me obsessive. Hysteria brought me down. Hysteria made me a person that I hate.

I can’t be hysterically in love, because I’m afraid to be slammed to the ground by consequences. I’m afraid to feel too much. I can’t do that anymore. I don’t know if I can afford to allow myself to be torn apart again. I would probably lose me.

But trust me when I say that I want this. I want love, I want to be loved, I want to understand what love is all over again. I want my hand to be held, a shoulder to cry on, a soul mate I can share private jokes with. I want to parade down the streets with a joy in my heart and dance in each step, because I’m in love.

I just need to feel this for someone who is sure that he will never give up on me, ever. I just need to feel this with someone who realises that I am worth his time and effort.

And as long as there is uncertainty, I can’t afford to feel this.

So if some days if it seems that I don’t care, or if I don’t look straight into your eyes when we say goodbye, it’s not because I’m not into you. It’s only because I’m afraid to open myself to the little things that might make me fall desperately and hopelessly in love with you.

If you can’t promise me you’ll fall in love with me, then I can’t fall in love with you.